ADULT JOKES

The Musical Octopus

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, "get that thing out of here."

The Guy says, "No, wait you don't understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, "Bullshit, no octopus can do that."

The Guy says, "No, really I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't find a musical instrument he can't play."

The bartender says, "OK you're on. Try the piano in the corner."

The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.

The octopus played a song on it.

The bartender said, "OK I'm not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.

The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, "Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, "There I knew I could find one he couldn't play.

The Guy said, "Now just wait a minute He'll play it just as soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it.

Broken Penis

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl.

They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE.

Hells Angel In Bar

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls "All you down there... You're all a bunch of queer cock suckers!" he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. "You're all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers."

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says "Where the fuck you going?"

The guy says "I'm at the wrong end of the bar."

Three Women

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

A blind man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here."

A girl brings a guy home one night

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"

Potential Vs. Reality

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

3 Prostitutes

3 Prostitutes, all hate life, decide to comit suicide together. They climb onto a tall builing, and the first flops off, and lands on the pavement. It took a week to clean up her mess. The second took a really high leap, and summersaulted onto a car. It took a month to clean her up. The third took a really high leap, and landed on a lamp-post. It took years to wipe the smile off her face!

Doctor´s

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

200 bucks

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

The Two Parrots

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?", the priest asked. "They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'" "That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship." "Thank you." said the lady. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away! Our prayers have been answered!!!!!"

Mouse & Elephant

A female elephant is walking through the jungle. She steps on a thorn and can't go on. Then a mouse comes by. The elephant says "Mouse you've got to help me. Please take this thorn out of my foot." Mouse looks up and says, "Okay, I'll help you... but you know I've always wanted to screw an elephant. If I get the thorn out, you've got to let me fuck you when I'm through." With no other option the elephant agrees and comes the thorn and then the mouse start shumping away. Meanwhile up in the trees a monkey sees what's going on and starts to laugh. He laughs so hard that the tree begins to shake and knocks a coconut down hitting the elephant on the head. "OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW" screams the elephant. "That's right," says the mouse,"take it all you bitch!"

Dirty Dishes

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, and answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck.

 One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition! He inquires about it with the owner, "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape!" "Well", says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it form the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it," and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's estatic over the bike! That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house.

Little Billy

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go homeand think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story ... The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket" next is little Lucy ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "don't count your eggs before they're hatched" Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory" ... "he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story ... Billy replies, "Don't Fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking"

Man in a Bar

A man walks into a bar, talks with some guys for a little while and then walks to the bartender. He says, "I bet you $300 that I can pee in that cup over there (now that cup was a good 10 feet away), and not spill a single drop. The bartender says, "Boy, you have a deal." So the man starts peeing everywhere except the cup. He pees on the floor, the bar, and even the bartender. Then the bartender says, "Guess you owe me $300." The man laughs and says sure and pays him the money. The bartender says, "Why are you so happy?" The man answers, "I just bet those guys $500 each that I could pee all over your bar and you would not only not be mad, you'd be happy."

Voodoo Dildo

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"