Chatup Lines

Please use with care...!!  -  a Smack in the Mouth often hurts

If i flip a coin and it lands heads, i call you, if it lands tails, you call me!

Hi, I have been watching you dance over there for a while now, and to be honest, your terrible, let me buy you a drink and we can talk about it.

I love you, what your name?

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

It's 50 % chance that we have sex tonight. What! I want to, do you?

Hey baby, I'm ready for some FUN, I already have the F and the N, now all I need is U!

Why you have the whitest teeth I have ever cum across.

Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?

Inheriting eighty million pounds doesn't mean much when you are single and have a weak heart!

Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

Hi, I'm hard are you wet?

I bet you look great naked.

Do you know what a man with a 12 inch dick has for breakfast? No! Well I have Bacon and Eggs!

I've lost that loving feeling, will you help me find it?

What time do you get off and how?

Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand prize is a night with me!

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fried, scrambled, or fertilized!

Fuck me if i'm wrong, but are you Elvis?

Are you religious? Good, well I am the answer to your prayers.

I have a two-minute recovery time.

What is a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?

I am conducting a feel test on how many women have pierced nipples.

Here, you look a bit tired, let me breathe for you.

What's the main export of brazil ? Coffee? Yeah OK, my place or yours?

How are you getting home? Well bend over and I'll drive you home!

Were they expensive? What? Those diamonds for eyes!

They call me summer, I'm a long time cumming, but when I cum I'm HOT.

I'll eat you into a coma, ..... And than I'll Fuck you out of it

Gee your ugly, but I bet you feel good in the dark.

Who stole them for you..? What..? The stars in your eyes.

Hey baby, wanna see my elephant

Do you want to dance? Yes! Good, go on then, so I can talk to your pretty friend!

Did it hurt? What? When you fell from heaven!

Can I have my heart back now please?

Now, you have tried the, rest, time for Simply the Best.

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my own garden forever.

I don't want to know your name, just fuck me!

Can I buy you your last drink? Why is it going to be my last drink? Cause after that, I am taking you home.

Your lips look so sweet, just one kiss and I swear I could give up sugar for life!

Excuse me Didn't I meet you at the party my friends threw for me when I won the lottery?

I am conducting a feel test on how many women have pierced nipples.

Hey baby, want to go check out the shocks in my new BMW?

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

If I said you had a beautiful body would you swallow ten inches?

Mount willy's about to erupt baby!

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

So... How am I doin'?

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.

Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? 

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

My name's.............. That's so you know what to scream.

My name's.............. but you can call me "lover."

Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?

Can I flirt with you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

[Look at her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?": Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

[Grab her Ass.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

Hey, that's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?

My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

[Regard her outfit] Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too.

Get your coat love, you've pulled.

Put your crash helmet on, you're going through the head board.

What do you want for breakfast?

How would you like to spend the night looking at my bedroom ceiling?

Let me show you the way to heaven.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 

I'm easy. Are you? 

(Use index finger to call someone over then say) If I made you come this fast with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. 

Is that a ladder in your tights? Or is it the stairway to heaven?

What time do you have to be back in heaven? 

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

Was you father a cement mixer? Because you sure make me hard. 

Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do? 

Why are you going, when you could be coming? 

If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.

Can you fix watches? Then put 2 hands on that!

Sit on my face and I'll guess your weight.

Can I tickle your belly button? From the inside.

Do you like fruit? Suck this its a fucking peach.

Break a bit of ice on the bar and say "Now I've broken the ice can I buy you a drink?"

I'm like Domino's Pizza, if you don't come in 30 minutes the next one is free...

Fancy a Pizza and a shag? NO! Why, don't you like Pizza?

To a ugly woman...''I never look at the mantle piece when I'm poking the fire''

Want to see my boner?

My hands are cold, can I put them in your bra to warm up?

Here, have another bottle of wine.

Hey baby, wanna get lucky?

Over here, now, bitch

Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.

Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays?

You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

You're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Hi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.

I'd look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I would crawl naked in the cold rain, on broken glass, just to hear you speak over the telephone! 

I think you're the light at the end of my tunnel. 

I didn't believe in angels until I meet you! 

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? 

I bet you're tired of hearing chat up lines, when words can't be compared or express the true nature of your beauty! 

When I look into your eyes I see the Moon and the stars.

Your eyes are like spanners..... every time you look at me my nuts tighten

I may not be the best looking man in here, but I'm the only one talking to you

You are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I will certainly make your bed rock

Hi, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?

Hi, my name's Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?

I'm a stud muffin baby, why don't you take a bite?

Have you ever been to the moon ? no ! sit on my rocket and I will take you there 

If its cash your after drop your drawers and the moneys yours

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
 

I've got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

You're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a model?

How's yer fanny for cracking walnuts?

Excuse me but do you believe in pre-marital sex? No. Well I'm married, lets Fuck!

Excuse me, you have the whitest teeth I've ever cum across. 

I sure like the cover of your book, can I check out the pages in between. 

Do you need a gardener? (no) can I trim your bush anyways? 

Do you want to fuck or do I owe you an apology? 

Baby, you look finer than a new set of snow tires! Do you mind if I jurkoff on your tits? 

Do you know the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job? no, what are you doing for lunch tomorrow? 

Would you like to dance? [she says "no"] No, you must have misunderstood me, I SAID, you look fat in those pants! 

Do you spit or swallow?

Lets stand toe to toe and get something straight between us! 

That dress is very becoming on you, but if I was on you, I'd be cumming too!

Wanna sit down? Here let me clear off a spot for you to sit. (while wiping of your mouth with your hand) 

Let's play war, I'll lay down and you blow the fuck out of me!

Have you ever been kissed on the navel? Yes! From the inside? 

Nice tit's what's your name?

Hi there, do you live on a chicken farm? 'Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!! 

Hi, my name is (your name), and you can tell me yours when you catch your breath. 

Excuse me, I'd like to get between your legs and eat my way to your heart. 

Do you like jewelry? Suck this, it's a gem!

Can you drive? Well, back onto this (pointing to dick)

Do you like dried biscuits? Eat this it's a cracker!

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Are those real?

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap hotel room.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Hey lady, let me slay you with my sword of luurve.

Wanna come back to my house and do some Maths? You can subtract your clothes, divide your legs and we'll multiply.

Your arse is like a basketball, mind if I dribble all over it?

I like your tits, can I touch them?

I've got the body of a chippendale,.... he's buried under the patio at home.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you swallow ten inches?

You wanna get jiggy with Mr. Biggy?

Mount willy's about to erupt baby!

Women Revenge Chat Up Lines

Not My Fault Guys

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.” Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.” Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.” Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.” Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.” Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.” Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter” Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !” Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some girls!” Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.” Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.” Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”. Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.” Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.” Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers you a slut. Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees gobblin' on my cock. Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin' it to you in the back of my car...... I don't give a shit where you go. Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Sure that isn't "yield to merging traffic"? Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot it on your back. Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Unless there's a $5 spot in it for ya, right? Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake once you smack the goods to her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....... as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it in your ass hole